So I’ve really needed to take the time to sit down, and just write. To just let my thoughts run free, and a way to gain some additional perspective. I hope that I can get into the habbit of writing an entry everyday, or week even into some sort of journal. Why not start here, no? Its become strangely apparent to me over the last year or so that I am losing my memory, both short, and long term. I feel daily that I’m losing my grip on the memories and thoughts that are so dear to me. I do however have a few theorys as to why this is happening to me (probably all those years of being a pot-head). Certainly I’m beginning to age now being 27. I know… that still sounds so young, and it is, agreed. But there is a moment when we leave the invincibility of our child-hood, and begin the “degenerative” process into the rest of our lives. My father certainly remembers being close to my age, and noticing small intrinsic physical, and psychological affects. How the body begins to find more aches, and pains. Certain positions we use to sit, or sleep in, no longer work for our bodies. Taking certain dives, or spills leave longer lasting bruises and scars. Granted, there are ways to help stifle these issues, to keep them at bay, but impossible none the less to control over time. I hate to start thinking about how I’m already beginning to “Age”, but it has to happen at some point, and for the better. Theres nothing worse than not being able to age gracefully. Looking around everyday, I see more and more trying to run from their fate as the future gains on us. Face lift here, tummy tuck there. Age-defining injections and coloring of the gray hairs. What about those who are 45 and still wearing clothes of a 20 year old? Am I the only one that finds apathy, and sympathy for these people? How horrible to be stuck in an ever-existing loop, where mind never changes, but the body does. To wake up one day and see an old man in the mirror, while still having the mind-set of teenager. To know that the opportunity of gaining wisdom and knowledge was rightly denied in the pursuit of ‘living for the moment’.   And while that scares me, it also scares me to consider that I’m leaving a time in my life behind that held so many memories, and so much importance to me. I’m fearful of letting myself move forward b/c I feel like I didn’t quite make the best of all the opportunities I had available to me. Time spent, relationships built (or lost for that matter), moments with my son, personal dreams and desires gone. I cant say that I have “regret” per say, but there are things I do wish I could gain back.

I feel like I’ve really changed alot in the last few years… at least at a much faster rate and pace than I have in any other stage in my life. These last 2 years or so have really been difficult ones for me. Difficult how? Well, how does one define ‘difficult’? Have I had to live in my car, go without eating a meal, lost a job, or loved one? No. And for that, I’m so VERY thankful. God has been good to me. My largest hurdles have come in the form of consciousness… in the way that I’ve begin to perceive and understand the ways of the world I live in. My desire for seperation from this ‘American’ lifestyle, this ’self-focused’, capitalistic, flesh-based, close-minded world I’ve awoken too.

“Ignorance is bliss” - unknown.

This quote is so true. I’m reminded of the movie The Matrix, and I begin to really understand Neo’s conflict of taking the red pill, or the blue pill. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more resentful, and closed off to society on a personal level. Trying my best to only interact on the most basic of levels that still allows me to have a good job, and take advantage of social advantages. But by this definition of being “social”, we must be accepted on a “social” level. Otherwise, we become recluse, distant, and “weird” to the rest of society. For the longest time this was a stigma that held alot of weight in the way I interacted with people. I’m thankful that God has been the pillar of encouragement. And all though I have so much more growth, and development in my walk with with God, I’m starting to understand that society by ‘law’ is designed to self-destruct. 2 words… Mans law. I understand now, its flawed. My dilemma is learning how to deal with it; how to ‘play the game, but not be played by the game’ so to speak. In my mind… its impossible. And if not impossible, LARGELY risky. I guess what I’m really trying to say is this… I’m getting older, and wiser, and understanding things in a way I didnt quite understand them before, and as a result I’m also learning to cope with those things. I hope that my forgetfulness, and lack of “spunk” will come back as my attitude and disposition will also change. I guess we’ll see

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